1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

2
00:00:13,143 --> 00:00:15,339
Are we... are we gonna put it
back when we're done with it?

3
00:00:15,363 --> 00:00:17,887
Why? The only thing of value on
it is the secret treasure map.

4
00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:19,517
The rest is just instructions
for running a country,

5
00:00:19,541 --> 00:00:20,933
and I'm pretty sure
they're online.

6
00:00:20,977 --> 00:00:22,457
It just feels a little wrong...

7
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,000
Morty, are you gonna be
a fucking America nerd

8
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,286
or are you gonna be cool

9
00:00:25,329 --> 00:00:26,939
and steal the
Constitution with Grandpa?

10
00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:31,529
Here, hold this while I
crack the hermetic seal.

11
00:00:31,553 --> 00:00:34,382
W-Why not just use this again?

12
00:00:40,866 --> 00:00:42,607
Morty! You just
destroyed the map

13
00:00:42,651 --> 00:00:44,759
and activated the giant assassin
hidden in the Statue of Liberty!

14
00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:46,437
I'm sorry... w-wait, what?

15
00:00:46,481 --> 00:00:48,613
It was a Trojan horse, Morty.
Never trust the French.

16
00:00:48,657 --> 00:00:50,330
Alright, fun's fun, but now
the federal government's

17
00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:52,226
gonna be pissed
again. Way to go.

18
00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:53,705
And on America's birthday

19
00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:55,403
or whatever the fuck
Thanksgiving is.

20
00:01:28,958 --> 00:01:30,196
Seal Team Leader:
Rick and Morty!

21
00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:31,545
You are under arrest
and surrounded

22
00:01:31,569 --> 00:01:33,093
by an anti-portal shimmer!

23
00:01:33,136 --> 00:01:34,244
Come out with your hands up!

24
00:01:34,268 --> 00:01:36,400
Well, Happy Thanksgiving to me.

25
00:01:36,444 --> 00:01:38,881
Can't wait to see what a
"shimmer" does to my prostate.

26
00:01:38,924 --> 00:01:41,013
Dad, can you please just
end whatever this is...

27
00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:42,841
I understand you're
upset, Mr. President.

28
00:01:42,885 --> 00:01:44,539
It's honestly all Morty's fault.

29
00:01:44,582 --> 00:01:46,299
But in the meantime, you
really want to keep your army

30
00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:48,804
of pointlessly camouflaged
Eagle Scouts off my lawn.

31
00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:50,675
Don't tell me what I
want, you anti-American

32
00:01:50,719 --> 00:01:52,024
piece of shit, you terrorist!

33
00:01:52,068 --> 00:01:53,504
You know, you use
that word so much

34
00:01:53,548 --> 00:01:55,071
it's lost all meaning, Mr. P.

35
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,701
It's like, at this point,
what's a terrorist?

36
00:01:56,725 --> 00:01:58,292
It's a guy you don't
like. Big deal.

37
00:01:58,335 --> 00:01:59,728
Hoo-rah!

38
00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:05,168
Told you to stand down.

39
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,605
You just lost two soldiers
over here. Good men.

40
00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:09,192
Might be time to look at
the terrorist in the mirror.

41
00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:10,869
You want a war?!

42
00:02:10,913 --> 00:02:13,065
I'll put your outer-space
ass in a goddamn Phantom Zone

43
00:02:13,089 --> 00:02:14,762
with a bar of kryptonite
soap around your neck.

44
00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,701
You're done,
Sanchez! You hear me?

45
00:02:16,745 --> 00:02:18,399
Oof. He's really
pissed this time.

46
00:02:18,442 --> 00:02:19,941
Why don't you guys just
fuck and get it over with.

47
00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:21,184
Okay, well thank you, Summer,

48
00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:22,640
but I think I've
got a better option.

49
00:02:22,664 --> 00:02:23,839
Dad, no. Ehh

50
00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,536
hands are tied, sweetie.

51
00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:27,210
I have to turn myself into a
turkey and trick the President

52
00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,018
into giving me a
Presidential turkey pardon.

53
00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:31,238
Again? How many times
have you done this?

54
00:02:31,281 --> 00:02:32,737
I don't know, Jerry, how
many years have I lived here?

55
00:02:32,761 --> 00:02:34,241
Careful how you answer that.

56
00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:36,112
Geez, Rick, y'know,
y-you've done this a lot.

57
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,090
Don't you think the President
might see it coming this time?

58
00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:40,812
He probably will, Morty.
That's all part of the dance.

59
00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:42,249
In the past, I've
inserted myself

60
00:02:42,292 --> 00:02:44,338
into the potential turkey
pardonee population

61
00:02:44,381 --> 00:02:45,793
by brainwashing the
presidential turkey wrangler

62
00:02:45,817 --> 00:02:47,341
prior to the ceremony.

63
00:02:47,384 --> 00:02:49,560
But this time, the turkey
wrangler's been euthanized

64
00:02:49,604 --> 00:02:50,929
and the turkeys
will be transported

65
00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:52,694
by armored military vehicles.

66
00:02:52,737 --> 00:02:56,045
Vehicles manufactured by ghost
corporations that I control.

67
00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:58,482
- Which we have audited.
- Allowing me access to...

68
00:02:58,526 --> 00:03:00,025
- Central computers...
- To track the...

69
00:03:00,049 --> 00:03:02,225
Real armored transports,
which he can never...

70
00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:03,661
Totally track and sneak aboard.

71
00:03:03,705 --> 00:03:05,272
And even if he does,
he'll be on a truck

72
00:03:05,315 --> 00:03:07,578
full of turkeys and
fully armed marines.

73
00:03:07,622 --> 00:03:09,537
Who won't recognize me
because the human eye

74
00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,365
is inherently face
blind to turkeys.

75
00:03:11,408 --> 00:03:14,237
President: Fortunately, those
marines won't have human eyes.

76
00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:15,847
They'll have turkey eyes.

77
00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:17,936
Jesus ever-loving
Christ, why don't you two

78
00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,764
just fuck and get it over with?

79
00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,549
Careful, Dwayne. You're
only Vice President

80
00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:23,377
because I need 10%
of the white vote.

81
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:26,075
There's a giant French
assassin attacking New York,

82
00:03:26,118 --> 00:03:28,295
and you're using the war
room to measure dicks

83
00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:30,297
with your alcoholic
sci-fi boyfriend?

84
00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:31,994
Rick Sanchez is more dangerous

85
00:03:32,037 --> 00:03:34,039
than some steam-powered
French bitch,

86
00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,216
and New York can handle
its own global emergencies.

87
00:03:36,259 --> 00:03:38,479
General? Initiate
Operation Deep Gobble.

88
00:03:41,656 --> 00:03:43,484
Coop, not on Thanksgiving.

89
00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:44,963
It's what I trained
for, Mary Lou.

90
00:03:45,007 --> 00:03:46,835
It ain't our fight.Baby.

91
00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:49,446
That little race car driver
you got bakin' in your belly.

92
00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:51,274
What world you want
him rearin' up in?

93
00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,668
One where some...
spiky-haired Doctor Who

94
00:03:53,711 --> 00:03:55,974
in a lab coat can change
the color of the sky?

95
00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:58,325
Or a world where he can fill
his pickup with hot dogs

96
00:03:58,368 --> 00:03:59,978
and drive it to a jukebox

97
00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:02,285
full of our demographic's
current favorite music?

98
00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:03,982
Obviously the latter, but...

99
00:04:04,026 --> 00:04:06,289
Well, that world, Mary Lou,
the one with those meals,

100
00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:09,466
vehicles, and songs people
in this 30-mile area prefer

101
00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:11,163
that world needs a few good men.

102
00:04:11,207 --> 00:04:12,861
In a secret Pentagon lab.

103
00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:14,384
Turning into turkeys.

104
00:04:14,428 --> 00:04:16,560
You come back without
feathers, Coop.

105
00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:20,260
God, I love this country.

106
00:04:21,913 --> 00:04:23,480
Hoooo-ah!

107
00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:40,454
General Green: These pills
contain tracking chips

108
00:04:40,497 --> 00:04:42,673
that identify each of
you as individuals.

109
00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:45,676
That will be important later.

110
00:05:01,126 --> 00:05:02,867
Alright, boys,
search every bird.

111
00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:05,348
If Sanchez is here, I
wanna hear you gobblin'.

112
00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:06,828
Let me look at you, scum.

113
00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:08,351
Get outta here, you wobbleneck.

114
00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:10,919
Sarge, this... this ain't
like the simulation, man.

115
00:05:10,962 --> 00:05:12,766
- I don't like it.
- Keep it together, Martinez.

116
00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:14,357
Eyes are on the ground, sir.

117
00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:16,533
No sign of Einstein.
Stay frosty, gentlemen.

118
00:05:16,577 --> 00:05:19,971
I want this pardoning
pipeline airtight.

119
00:05:20,015 --> 00:05:21,756
Sir! We have hacked
the garage door.

120
00:05:21,799 --> 00:05:23,497
We are in. Eyes on the bogey.

121
00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:25,237
Or you've got eyes on a robot.

122
00:05:25,281 --> 00:05:27,675
All due respect, sir, I
know flesh when I see it!

123
00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:30,286
Those flesh-covered
robots should buy us some time.

124
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,462
The pardonable turkeys
should be on that truck.

125
00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:34,812
Ship, go stealth.

126
00:05:34,856 --> 00:05:37,380
Rodriguez, Fincher.
Get eyes on that.

127
00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,469
Huh. Turkey Marines.

128
00:05:39,513 --> 00:05:41,123
The President came to play.

129
00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:42,124
Jam those two radios.

130
00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:43,255
Ship: Confirmed.

131
00:05:43,299 --> 00:05:45,127
Ah! Geez!

132
00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:56,443
Fincher, Rodriguez, come in!

133
00:05:56,486 --> 00:05:58,140
Copy, copy, tango, all good.

134
00:05:58,183 --> 00:06:00,795
Just a couple of
branches on the roof.

135
00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:02,797
Don't ever turn your
radio off again.

136
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,340
- We will not surrender.
- We will never surrender.

137
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,800
- We will not surrender.
- Oh, yeah?

138
00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:07,932
Bring in the David Blaine box.

139
00:06:09,891 --> 00:06:11,675
Damn, is that a
David Blaine box?

140
00:06:11,719 --> 00:06:13,958
I told you we should have just
gone to my parents' house.

141
00:06:13,982 --> 00:06:15,940
No, you didn't.Well, I
didn't say it out loud,

142
00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:17,464
but it should be
well known by now

143
00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:19,204
that I'd always rather be there.

144
00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:20,641
- Oh, God, oh no!
- Aw, geez, Rick!

145
00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:22,599
Sir, we've got Rick and
Morty inside the box!

146
00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:24,166
Then that confirms it. Sir?

147
00:06:24,209 --> 00:06:26,821
No David Blaine box
can hold Rick Sanchez.

148
00:06:26,864 --> 00:06:28,083
Scan the turkey truck!

149
00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:29,476
Huh. That's weird.

150
00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:31,521
ID chips for Fincher and
Rodriguez are glitching.

151
00:06:31,565 --> 00:06:32,740
Sanchez...

152
00:06:32,783 --> 00:06:34,611
I'll deal with this
bastard myself.

153
00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:35,743
Sir, don't be a cowboy.

154
00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:37,353
You can't get re-elected dead.

155
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,094
System is calibrated, sir.

156
00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:40,985
That pill contains a tracking
chip that will identify...

157
00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:43,011
I know, it'll be
important later!

158
00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:44,621
Do it.

159
00:06:47,537 --> 00:06:49,017
Reporter: Moments from now,

160
00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:51,106
the President will be
pardoning a turkey...

161
00:06:53,674 --> 00:06:55,066
Home stretch, Morty.

162
00:06:55,110 --> 00:06:57,025
Here comes dip shit
right on schedule.

163
00:06:57,068 --> 00:06:59,593
Nothing can go wrong now.

164
00:06:59,636 --> 00:07:00,874
Morty: Jesus, is
that... Oh, shit.

165
00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:02,204
The President has
the upper hand.

166
00:07:02,247 --> 00:07:03,727
G-Grandpa fucked
up. Sunglasses on.

167
00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:05,531
Act like a turkey. What?
Wha... Are you scared?

168
00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:07,209
Act like a turkey!

169
00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:11,169
That's Rodriguez
and Fincher, sir.

170
00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:13,868
It's Rick and Morty, you
useless fucking stump humper!

171
00:07:13,911 --> 00:07:16,348
Sorry, don't tell 10% of your
friends I called you that.

172
00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:17,480
Mr. President.

173
00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,351
Sanchez, admit it. You lose.

174
00:07:19,395 --> 00:07:21,223
Say it and I'll let
your loser ass go.

175
00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:24,681
Did you just try to spit in
my face with no saliva gland?

176
00:07:24,705 --> 00:07:26,663
Just pardon me, dick.
Why the hell would I?

177
00:07:26,707 --> 00:07:28,317
Oh, I dunno, 'cause
if I move to Canada,

178
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:29,579
they'll be the best country!

179
00:07:29,623 --> 00:07:31,494
I'll peck your Goddamn eyes out!

180
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:32,800
Ow! Hey!

181
00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,497
Shit! My plume!

182
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:36,543
Hey, back off!

183
00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:38,893
Blueberries! We got
blueberries down!

184
00:07:38,936 --> 00:07:40,895
Hold your positions,
it's a feeding frenzy!

185
00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:42,200
I-I can't see.

186
00:07:42,244 --> 00:07:43,506
I mean, I can see.

187
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:47,902
270 degrees... It's
too many degrees!

188
00:07:47,945 --> 00:07:50,252
Sir, we are losing the
mental game down here.

189
00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:51,490
General Green: Keep
it together, soldier!

190
00:07:51,514 --> 00:07:53,211
POTUS is still in that pen...

191
00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:01,916
We just lost New York to France!

192
00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:03,526
Pull out the
President right now!

193
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,746
Gobble Tango... I want
POTUS out of that pen!

194
00:08:05,789 --> 00:08:08,139
That is an order! Locate
the president's chip!

195
00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:09,706
Roger, roger.

196
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:11,055
There he is, I got him.

197
00:08:11,099 --> 00:08:13,275
Let's go, boys! Let's
fly out the Eagle!

198
00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:16,234
Hey, that's not me!

199
00:08:16,278 --> 00:08:19,847
Package is secure. Pull us out.

200
00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:23,241
Computer: Reinjecting
subject DNA.

201
00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:33,469
Hoppin' Jehovah, you look
like five pounds of shit

202
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,036
in a whore's lunchbox.

203
00:08:35,079 --> 00:08:36,907
You alright, Mr. President?

204
00:08:36,951 --> 00:08:38,561
Yes. I am

205
00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:39,997
the President.

206
00:08:40,041 --> 00:08:42,304
Clean his ass up and
get him to the War Room.

207
00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:43,653
Hey! Gobble Squad!

208
00:08:43,697 --> 00:08:45,350
You got the wrong
guy, you morons!

209
00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:48,702
Look at this dumb piece
of shit. Gobbling away.

210
00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:50,617
Get back in there!

211
00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:53,533
Alright boys, you heard
the VP. Pardon is tits up.

212
00:08:53,576 --> 00:08:55,056
Pack up and ship out!

213
00:08:57,798 --> 00:08:59,887
As for you, Sanchez

214
00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:01,541
bon appétit.

215
00:09:04,369 --> 00:09:05,936
Where is this elevator going?

216
00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:08,199
Where all the
unchosen turkeys go.

217
00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:10,071
The feeding chamber.

218
00:09:13,596 --> 00:09:15,076
What the fuck is that?

219
00:09:15,119 --> 00:09:17,165
Not what... who.

220
00:09:17,208 --> 00:09:20,211
The only thing to fear is... me!

221
00:09:20,255 --> 00:09:21,604
How the fuck does
the White House

222
00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:23,519
have a cloned spider of FDR?

223
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:24,999
It's no clone, it's FDR.

224
00:09:25,042 --> 00:09:26,696
He was a guinea pig
for the polio vaccine.

225
00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:29,046
We asked ourselves
"What walks the most?"

226
00:09:29,090 --> 00:09:30,787
"We?" You're taking
credit for this?

227
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:33,964
The office comes
with baggage, Morty.

228
00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:35,226
Rick, I'm afraid to die!

229
00:09:35,270 --> 00:09:36,682
You won't have to
be for long, Morty!

230
00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:37,944
We're due to return to
human form any second!

231
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:39,361
Then what?

232
00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:41,078
Then we just have to not
get eaten by the spider!

233
00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:42,843
Oh, so in other words,
be afraid to die?

234
00:09:42,886 --> 00:09:44,429
Morty, if winning an argument
is that important to you,

235
00:09:44,453 --> 00:09:45,628
you were never alive!

236
00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:48,283
Time for a New Deal... Murder!

237
00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:50,459
President: I'm sick of
hearing how iconic you were!

238
00:09:50,502 --> 00:09:54,028
Try having an historical
administration after Facebook

239
00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:57,379
goes online, you
old-timey bitch!

240
00:09:57,422 --> 00:09:59,816
Morty, tear open that panel!

241
00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:02,079
How's this for a fireside chat?

242
00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:06,518
Woof. You just killed FDR.

243
00:10:06,562 --> 00:10:07,955
He was a monster, though.

244
00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:09,913
Don't mythologize him.
He was a politician.

245
00:10:09,957 --> 00:10:12,089
Speaking of, you kind of
saved our bacon there,

246
00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:13,395
so I'll make you a deal.

247
00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:15,179
You pardon us and
I'll make you human.

248
00:10:15,223 --> 00:10:16,659
Wrong turkey.

249
00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:18,443
Man, the face blindness is real.

250
00:10:20,315 --> 00:10:22,056
I'd like these... men

251
00:10:22,099 --> 00:10:23,840
turned back into humans, please.

252
00:10:23,884 --> 00:10:25,537
Uh, yes, of course,
Mr. President.

253
00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:27,714
But I thought we
already rehumanized

254
00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:29,106
all the turkified marines.

255
00:10:29,150 --> 00:10:32,066
I'd like these men
turned back into humans.

256
00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:33,241
I am the President.

257
00:10:33,284 --> 00:10:34,546
Yes, sir. Uh, sure thing.

258
00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:38,986
Increase their
strength by 1,000%.

259
00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:41,379
But... that wouldn't be human.

260
00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:45,557
Turkeys have always
been more than human.

261
00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:48,735
Okay, uh, so right there,
now I'm starting to...

262
00:10:50,214 --> 00:10:54,741
I am selling New York to France.

263
00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:57,918
And giving all of the
money to Congress.

264
00:10:59,528 --> 00:11:00,703
Now that's how you do it!

265
00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,531
He became President today.

266
00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:06,274
That's right, murmur!

267
00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:07,928
And when you're done,
get me some pants.

268
00:11:07,971 --> 00:11:10,365
If you're the President,
who the hell have we been

269
00:11:10,408 --> 00:11:12,802
governing the country with
for the last three hours?

270
00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:14,543
An impostor, you good
for nothing idiot!

271
00:11:14,586 --> 00:11:16,458
You humanized the wrong turkey!

272
00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:17,807
It's possible.

273
00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:20,070
We shouldn't leave
anything to chance.

274
00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:23,900
Wouldn't want Congress working
with the wrong president.

275
00:11:23,944 --> 00:11:26,555
A very good point,
Mr. President.

276
00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:28,296
Do we believe this
fine feathered,

277
00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:30,777
collaborative gentleman to
be our commander-in-chief?

278
00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:34,171
Or are we gonna let "Mr. Cash
Bar at the Christmas Party"

279
00:11:34,215 --> 00:11:35,477
stay in office?

280
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,132
All in favor of
Turkey President?

281
00:11:38,175 --> 00:11:39,394
You can't be serious.

282
00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:40,830
You think he cares
about America?

283
00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:43,180
Is that why this is
happening to you?

284
00:11:43,224 --> 00:11:46,706
Because you cared about America?

285
00:11:46,749 --> 00:11:48,795
Guards, these men are

286
00:11:48,838 --> 00:11:49,839
oh, what is the word?

287
00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:51,493
Uh, terrorists.

288
00:11:51,536 --> 00:11:54,365
Okay, screw this. Go,
Go, Sanchez laser fists.

289
00:11:54,409 --> 00:11:57,325
Oh, shit, I was a turkey
for a while, wasn't I?

290
00:11:57,368 --> 00:11:59,196
Okay, guy's pretty strong.

291
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:00,720
Mary Todd Lincoln!

292
00:12:03,984 --> 00:12:05,942
Who's dead weight now, bitch?

293
00:12:11,078 --> 00:12:13,602
You should regain feeling
in your ass in a minute.

294
00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:15,232
Sorry my turrets blew
up your motorcycle.

295
00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:16,866
Just give me some
goddamn clothes.

296
00:12:16,910 --> 00:12:18,955
Must suck to have your only
safe haven be my house.

297
00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:20,348
Y-you want your regular outfit

298
00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:21,847
or should we dress
you like a terrorist?

299
00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:23,849
I don't need to be here,
and I'm still the President.

300
00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:25,808
Oh, glad to hear it. That means
you can give me that pardon.

301
00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:27,374
Or... Or I could put
you out with the trash.

302
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:29,487
What is your problem?! Why
do you hate this country?

303
00:12:29,531 --> 00:12:31,402
I hate every country in
the universe, brother!

304
00:12:31,446 --> 00:12:32,795
They're job placement programs

305
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:34,338
for the politicians
that invent them...

306
00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:35,798
Okay, Fight Club.

307
00:12:35,842 --> 00:12:38,235
I get paid to protect
the sidelines you sit on!

308
00:12:38,279 --> 00:12:39,846
You get paid to make
sports metaphors!

309
00:12:39,889 --> 00:12:41,325
I clean your litterbox!

310
00:12:41,369 --> 00:12:43,545
So your little nerd
paws don't have to touch

311
00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:45,765
another nerd's nerdy
poopies while you're flexing

312
00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:47,810
your grody little edge
lord anus all over it!

313
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:49,812
Guys, maybe you're both
right and both wrong.

314
00:12:49,856 --> 00:12:51,379
Both: Shut up, Morty!

315
00:12:51,422 --> 00:12:53,270
You little bitch, you
destroyed the Constitution.

316
00:12:53,294 --> 00:12:54,662
You're the biggest
booger eater here!

317
00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:57,341
Do nottalk to my son that way.

318
00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:58,778
Sorry, Mrs. Smith.

319
00:12:58,821 --> 00:13:00,146
The two of you are
ruining Thanksgiving.

320
00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:01,606
Together.

321
00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:02,758
And you can both either
come to the table

322
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,522
and eat food with my family

323
00:13:04,566 --> 00:13:07,830
or you can keep doing what
you're doing at the corner bar.

324
00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:09,876
Bars actually suck
at Thanksgiving.

325
00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:12,226
Dorothy: I'm still trying
to sort through this.

326
00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:13,812
One of you wishes you
had the personal quality

327
00:13:13,836 --> 00:13:15,490
known as courage

328
00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:17,579
but the other two of you
want actual vital organs?

329
00:13:17,622 --> 00:13:19,929
This Charlie Kaufman
reboot of "Wizard of Oz"

330
00:13:19,973 --> 00:13:21,626
is destroying itself.

331
00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:23,063
That's why I need a brain!

332
00:13:23,106 --> 00:13:26,240
I'm doing a terrible
job writing this!

333
00:13:26,283 --> 00:13:28,851
Pass the potatoes.

334
00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:30,505
Thank you. Mm-hmm.

335
00:13:30,548 --> 00:13:32,289
Good green beans, Mom.

336
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:34,552
The turkey's raw, Dad.
Shit's potato bunz.

337
00:13:34,596 --> 00:13:36,598
Sorry, Summer, the
United States enclosed us

338
00:13:36,641 --> 00:13:39,079
in a shimmer bubble that
scrambled my oven timer.

339
00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:41,429
So I guess elections
dohave consequences.

340
00:13:41,472 --> 00:13:44,214
Eat my ass, Jerry. I've
seen your IRS records.

341
00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:46,434
You can blame me once
you have taxable income.

342
00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:48,305
Yes, Jerry
is a piece of shit.

343
00:13:48,349 --> 00:13:49,785
I agree.

344
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,787
Um, guys? What's that?

345
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:54,181
Paula, as you can see,
President Curtis has enacted

346
00:13:54,224 --> 00:13:56,270
a plan to turn all
turkeys in America

347
00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:57,880
into hybrid super soldiers.

348
00:13:57,924 --> 00:13:59,882
The move has 100%
approval from Congress

349
00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:01,971
following its third
pay raise in six hours.

350
00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:02,972
Back to you.

351
00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:09,196
My God, the bastard's unhinged!

352
00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:11,198
There won't be a
single bird left in DC!

353
00:14:11,241 --> 00:14:13,809
Oh, wow, wiping out a native
population on Thanksgiving?

354
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:16,377
That's never happened before.
What did you just say?

355
00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:18,268
Well, I-I associated
Thanksgiving with genocide.

356
00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:20,381
It's what young people
do. I wasn't trying to...

357
00:14:20,424 --> 00:14:22,078
The Crypt of the New World.

358
00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:24,341
That could be our one chance
to turn this thing around.

359
00:14:24,385 --> 00:14:25,647
You know about the Crypt?

360
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:27,301
Ugh, so the treasure's
already gone.

361
00:14:27,344 --> 00:14:29,477
Wait, is that why you were
stealing the Constitution?

362
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:30,913
You old fart dick.

363
00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:32,630
The Crypt of the New
World isn't a treasure.

364
00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:34,177
But it might be our
only hope. Come on.

365
00:14:34,221 --> 00:14:36,353
But isn't the crypt
underneath DC?

366
00:14:36,397 --> 00:14:38,007
The Turkey President's
got an army.

367
00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:39,748
An actual Army.
And an Air Force.

368
00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:41,141
And Marines... Slow down, Morty.

369
00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:42,596
Walk us through every
military service.

370
00:14:42,620 --> 00:14:43,883
Does somebody have a pen?

371
00:14:43,926 --> 00:14:45,164
We've got something
more powerful

372
00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:46,798
than every army in the world.

373
00:14:46,842 --> 00:14:49,192
Well, no, we don't, but
with the right speech,

374
00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:50,996
we could get a handful of
well-trained hillbillies.

375
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:52,717
Eh, it worked against
the British. I'm in.

376
00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,590
Birds replacin' people.

377
00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:58,071
What would Johnny Cash
or Dale Earnhardt say?

378
00:14:58,114 --> 00:15:00,334
He'd say "It's time
to walk the line"

379
00:15:00,377 --> 00:15:02,336
or "Drive very fast
between two of them."

380
00:15:02,379 --> 00:15:04,077
We don't serve your kind here.

381
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:05,556
Oh, my God, are you serious?

382
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,254
Read the sign.

383
00:15:07,297 --> 00:15:08,342
He's my boss, Marvin.

384
00:15:08,385 --> 00:15:09,647
It's okay.

385
00:15:09,691 --> 00:15:11,998
Mistrusting Presidents
is a patriotic duty.

386
00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:13,782
And that guy on TV isn't me.

387
00:15:13,825 --> 00:15:16,002
He's a turkey
infused with my DNA.

388
00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:17,917
I'll be damned.

389
00:15:20,397 --> 00:15:21,877
Well, I'm racist.

390
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,184
You better not be here
to take my man again.

391
00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:25,794
- Mary Lou.
- I'm poor!

392
00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:26,882
And pregnant!

393
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,188
With a poor person!

394
00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:29,667
And I need you.

395
00:15:29,711 --> 00:15:31,408
And 10% of your baby.

396
00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:34,934
Now, look, I know it's gonna
take more than some speech.

397
00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:36,587
But what is a speech?

398
00:15:36,631 --> 00:15:38,372
Isn't it just a question?

399
00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:40,113
And isn't that a question too?

400
00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:41,723
Speeches are words.

401
00:15:41,766 --> 00:15:42,942
Repeated words.

402
00:15:42,985 --> 00:15:44,291
Listed words.

403
00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:46,032
Repeated lists of
repeated words.

404
00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:47,642
None of that matters.

405
00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:48,991
You know what does matter?

406
00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:51,254
Me. Asking you.

407
00:15:51,298 --> 00:15:53,865
"Will you do what I say?"

408
00:15:53,909 --> 00:15:55,824
Just two questions, Chief.

409
00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:59,045
Lock? And load?

410
00:15:59,088 --> 00:16:00,263
They're rhetorical, sir!

411
00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:01,395
Lock and load!

412
00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:13,929
Sir, we've got Rick and Morty
coming in what appears to be

413
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,931
an unlicensed "Star Wars" AT-AT.

414
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,412
Or as the millennials
say, A-T, A-T.

415
00:16:18,455 --> 00:16:19,761
So it begins.

416
00:16:19,804 --> 00:16:20,762
Gobblers!

417
00:16:20,805 --> 00:16:22,372
Tonight, we rise!

418
00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:31,816
Aww, geez, geez, geez.

419
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,559
Nice driving, Sanchez.

420
00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:37,257
Wire's down, pen is clear.

421
00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:38,649
You know the Goddamn rules!

422
00:16:38,693 --> 00:16:39,975
If you see something
clucking or pecking,

423
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,391
put a buckshot in its panties.

424
00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:57,886
Jesus Christ!
T-they got Johnson!

425
00:16:57,929 --> 00:16:59,453
He got off easy.

426
00:16:59,496 --> 00:17:01,150
Cooper: Hold off the bastards!

427
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,066
What now, Rick?

428
00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:05,633
Time to turn up the broiler.

429
00:17:12,335 --> 00:17:13,771
Whoa, i-is that...

430
00:17:13,815 --> 00:17:15,860
The Crypt of the New World.

431
00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:21,170
The treasure you were after is
this country's oldest secret.

432
00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:25,044
One disguised by centuries
of Thanksgiving folklore.

433
00:17:27,916 --> 00:17:30,136
Is that... a turkey dinosaur?

434
00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:31,789
America's original rulers.

435
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:35,097
Merciless beasts, grazing on
the flesh of cowering humans.

436
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,708
Then, in the 15th
century, a vessel crashed.

437
00:17:37,752 --> 00:17:38,840
Two vessels, really.

438
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:41,669
On board... our saviors.

439
00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:44,976
Sanchez, pull that lever
at the same time I do.

440
00:17:55,204 --> 00:17:57,250
Oh, shit, they're gonna fight!

441
00:17:57,293 --> 00:17:58,990
Morty: No, wait,
they love each other!

442
00:17:59,034 --> 00:18:00,688
They were at war
when they arrived,

443
00:18:00,731 --> 00:18:03,169
but they united over
their hatred of turkeys.

444
00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:05,214
And what they love even
more than each other

445
00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:06,955
is kicking turkey butt.

446
00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:07,999
Gentlemen!

447
00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:10,263
Ba'ruka Dar Tin'in Yo-Tei!

448
00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:16,747
Coooooooooorn!

449
00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:23,972
It's working!

450
00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:26,279
Come on, Sanchez, let's
power down the humanizer ray.

451
00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:32,633
Whose side are we on?

452
00:18:32,676 --> 00:18:34,939
I don't know, but we've done
enough to pay for college.

453
00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:37,942
Look, we're almost there.

454
00:18:37,986 --> 00:18:40,858
Sorry, my turn for a surprise.

455
00:18:40,902 --> 00:18:42,904
Damn, this guy loves
arriving from the shadows.

456
00:18:42,947 --> 00:18:45,298
Look around. You can't
beat our ancient warriors.

457
00:18:45,341 --> 00:18:48,692
Can't I? My kind has always
dealt with predators.

458
00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:50,738
That's why we sleep in trees.

459
00:18:50,781 --> 00:18:53,828
And that's why, in
the wild, we fly.

460
00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:58,180
Now you must choose...

461
00:18:58,224 --> 00:19:00,748
Fight me, or stop that
weapon from turning

462
00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:04,404
all of America's turkeys
into a new master race.

463
00:19:04,447 --> 00:19:05,946
You dumb dip shit,
there's three of us,

464
00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:07,233
and two of us are spacemen.

465
00:19:07,276 --> 00:19:09,148
Obviously they're
gonna save America

466
00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:10,299
and bring that monument home,

467
00:19:10,323 --> 00:19:12,238
and I'm gonna kick your ass.

468
00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:13,543
Oh, and, Sanchez?

469
00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:15,023
You got your pardon. Aw.

470
00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:16,981
Shut up, Morty. Come on.

471
00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:18,505
Let's go, bitch.

472
00:19:18,548 --> 00:19:20,159
So be it.

473
00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:23,684
Is it true what Turkey Man said?

474
00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:24,859
That turkeys sleep in trees?

475
00:19:24,902 --> 00:19:26,208
Who the hell cares, Morty?

476
00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:27,949
Let's just
deactivate this shit.

477
00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:29,603
Calibrating.

478
00:19:29,646 --> 00:19:31,953
Targeting all American turkeys.

479
00:19:31,996 --> 00:19:33,389
Oh, my God, they
gave it a voice?

480
00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:36,218
Who is this for? We're in space.

481
00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:37,959
Geez, Rick, I-I-I guess them?

482
00:19:38,002 --> 00:19:39,395
Morty, use this carefully.

483
00:19:39,439 --> 00:19:40,807
Crack the humanizer core
and cut the blue wire.

484
00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:42,093
You hear me? Blue wire.

485
00:19:42,137 --> 00:19:43,419
Wha... Why don't
we just blow it up?

486
00:19:43,443 --> 00:19:44,835
It's a national
monument, fuck nut!

487
00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:46,228
We just got pardoned.

488
00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:48,056
You really wanna do
this again next year?

489
00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:54,367
You forgot something,
Turkey Man.

490
00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,978
No matter what you
got people to believe,

491
00:19:57,021 --> 00:19:59,154
I'm still the Goddamn President.

492
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:02,375
And you forget, in the
one day I've had your job,

493
00:20:02,418 --> 00:20:04,812
I've learned 10 times as much.

494
00:20:04,855 --> 00:20:06,466
I've underestimated you.

495
00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:08,250
For the last time.

496
00:20:13,255 --> 00:20:15,301
Rick, they're not
exactly primary colors!

497
00:20:15,344 --> 00:20:17,303
A-Are... Are we cool
with, like, t-turquoise?

498
00:20:17,346 --> 00:20:19,522
Are you kidding me, Morty?
Just cut the damn thing!

499
00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:24,135
Oh, shit, oh, fuck...

500
00:20:24,179 --> 00:20:26,486
Targets acquired.
Activating weapon.

501
00:20:26,529 --> 00:20:29,706
Oh, shit! Oooooooh!

502
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:31,447
Heritage destroyed.

503
00:20:31,491 --> 00:20:32,579
Morty!

504
00:20:35,016 --> 00:20:37,018
God damn it, you had one job!

505
00:20:45,026 --> 00:20:46,288
I beat you.

506
00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:48,203
Look at me, you
turkey ass bitch.

507
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:51,554
Wait, why are you...

508
00:20:51,598 --> 00:20:53,295
Is that a wishbone?

509
00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:55,384
I wish to explode.

510
00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:04,088
Man: The Berlin
Wall has come down.

511
00:21:04,132 --> 00:21:05,532
Man
the Playstation.

512
00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:07,353
The winner is...
"Shakespeare in Love."

513
00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:09,050
- Playstation 2.
- Hurricane Katrina

514
00:21:09,093 --> 00:21:11,052
- slams Louisiana...
- Playstation 3.

515
00:21:11,095 --> 00:21:12,595
- This is Maroon Five...
- Playstation 4.

516
00:21:12,619 --> 00:21:16,144
- The Cubbies win!
- I want a Playstation 5.

517
00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:18,929
I wasn't sure when
to pull you out.

518
00:21:18,973 --> 00:21:21,105
I-I assumed you were running
through your whole life.

519
00:21:21,149 --> 00:21:22,237
Yes.

520
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,239
And what a life it was.

521
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:27,808
Gentlemen, thank you once
again for saving this nation.

522
00:21:27,851 --> 00:21:29,723
Slloosh garg blurrg.

523
00:21:29,766 --> 00:21:31,290
I don't speak googa.

524
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:33,379
The CIA only taught me
your activation phrase.

525
00:21:33,422 --> 00:21:34,858
But if I could say anything...

526
00:21:34,902 --> 00:21:38,471
I'd say give America
one more chance.

527
00:21:40,690 --> 00:21:44,520
Kalaak 'ha benben prilo garg.

528
00:21:44,564 --> 00:21:47,044
Oh, my God, they're gonna fight.
Th-They're really gonna fight.

529
00:21:47,958 --> 00:21:49,960
- Aw, they love each other!
- Never gets old.

530
00:21:50,004 --> 00:21:51,484
I'll never get tired of that.

531
00:21:51,527 --> 00:21:53,790
So... after those aliens
discovered America...

532
00:21:53,834 --> 00:21:55,401
They went into hibernation,

533
00:21:55,444 --> 00:21:58,752
leaving us the technology we
used to lead the free world.

534
00:21:58,795 --> 00:22:01,015
That and also to do
stuff like slavery.

535
00:22:01,058 --> 00:22:03,104
I always thought we were...
more special than that.

536
00:22:03,147 --> 00:22:05,106
Like we invented everything
and did everything

537
00:22:05,149 --> 00:22:06,586
and that's why we
own everything.

538
00:22:06,629 --> 00:22:08,805
Now I-I-I-I don't
know what to feel.

539
00:22:08,849 --> 00:22:10,503
Feel thankful, Morty.

540
00:22:10,546 --> 00:22:12,331
Feel thankful.

541
00:22:43,884 --> 00:22:45,973
I know, baby.

542
00:22:46,016 --> 00:22:48,845
Coop, honey, should we get
Lucky Charms or Kibble Bibbitz?

543
00:22:48,889 --> 00:22:50,543
You know we can't afford either.

544
00:22:50,586 --> 00:22:53,459
Baby, the President
owes you. You saved him.

545
00:22:53,502 --> 00:22:55,112
Ain't his fault our
insurance got cut.

546
00:22:55,156 --> 00:22:56,592
They gotta build missiles.

547
00:22:56,636 --> 00:22:59,508
Ugh, fine, just... Can y'all
hold Jakey for a second?

548
00:23:09,910 --> 00:23:11,104
Bag Boy: What the
hell's he doin?

549
00:23:11,128 --> 00:23:12,323
Deli Guy: I think he's foraging.

550
00:23:12,347 --> 00:23:14,131
Crazy bastard thinks
he's a turkey.

551
00:23:14,175 --> 00:23:16,220
Well, I refuse to pay for
this man's health care.

552
00:23:22,488 --> 00:23:23,706
Did you get any of that?

552
00:23:24,305 --> 00:24:24,925
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